Do you ever have times where you just feel emotionally numb? I'm numb right now. The last time I felt this way, I was spiralling into a deep depression that took weeks to come out of. I'm determined not to go there again, and so I've been looking around for things to keep me afloat. And boy did one smack me across the face last night.
I guess I've known this about myself for some time, but, like I said, it hit me hard last night. Check it out... Psalm 42:1-2, "As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?" (NLT) Smack. And, ouch. Have I ever longed for God to the extent that I desire food? Or Dr. Pepper? Or napping? If I'm going to be honest, the answer is no. I confess, my cravings for Dr. Pepper are WAY stronger than my cravings for God. And I'm so ashamed of that fact. I once read that "shallow efforts produce shallow results." I'm learning that it is the mark of a mature Christian to put in strong, enduring, and passionate effort to come near to God. And I confess... I'm immature.
So, this is my ongoing struggle. To be filled up with God, so that I'm no longer empty. And until I get there, I'll just keep trying to fill the hole with naps, ice cream and Dr. Pepper. Or new clothes. Or affirmation from others. Or whatever I think will fill the hole at any particular moment.
Back to the numbness.
I ended up reading all of Psalm 42. Again... OUCH. Verse four says "My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be." Yes, a very familiar feeling. Part of verse six says "Now I am deeply discouraged..." Also a familiar tune. Verse seven says "I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me." Again, I know the feeling. Listen up to this stuff though... Verses five and eleven, "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!" And verse eight, "But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."
Each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me. Even though I apparently love Dr. Pepper more than Him. Even though I get caught up in a pity-party of the sad details of my life. Even though some of my behavior denies that I even know Him. He continues to love me. He pours it out on me. He wants to fill me up.
How blessed I am, even though it feels like Satan is peck-peck-pecking me to a breaking point. I'm blessed to have a God who loves me. Who cherishes me. Who never tires and always listens to my complaints. Oh, how very blessed I am.
Father, forgive me for losing sight of your love and blessings. Forgive me for listening intently to the whispers of Satan and getting lost in the muck, when I should be holding tight to your goodness and hope. I know that You'll provide, that You'll save, that You'll love, no matter how lost or low I think I am. Please help me to remember that. And Lord, please protect me from further attacks by Satan. Run him off. Keep him away. I'm trying to cling to you.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Where We Belong
I read a statement the other day that I found powerful and compelling and, well... sticky. You know--it stuck with me.
"Where you come to believe you belong is where you will stay." ~Lysa TerKeurst
Twenty years ago I was dating my high-school sweetheart, daydreaming and planning our wedding and our life together. He eventually proposed to me, and I said yes. I had come to believe that he was where I belonged. So, when feelings of discontent and hopes of something different fluttered into my mind, I dismissed them, because I was where I belonged, after all. It took a lot of prodding and poking from the Spirit, but I eventually came to listen to those feelings. I moved on. My heart longed for more.
I don't think this is too dis-similar from our lives as Christians.
We listen to the lies of Satan, believing that we're bound by our sin, and deserving of nothing better. Or we just stay content with what this world has to offer, and slowly forget that we were made for so much more.
Let God rekindle that longing in your heart. Listen to it. Let the Spirit nurture it. For it is a longing for heaven. An urge to find more. A desire to be whole. Heaven is the only place we truly belong.
"Where you come to believe you belong is where you will stay." ~Lysa TerKeurst
Twenty years ago I was dating my high-school sweetheart, daydreaming and planning our wedding and our life together. He eventually proposed to me, and I said yes. I had come to believe that he was where I belonged. So, when feelings of discontent and hopes of something different fluttered into my mind, I dismissed them, because I was where I belonged, after all. It took a lot of prodding and poking from the Spirit, but I eventually came to listen to those feelings. I moved on. My heart longed for more.
I don't think this is too dis-similar from our lives as Christians.
We listen to the lies of Satan, believing that we're bound by our sin, and deserving of nothing better. Or we just stay content with what this world has to offer, and slowly forget that we were made for so much more.
Let God rekindle that longing in your heart. Listen to it. Let the Spirit nurture it. For it is a longing for heaven. An urge to find more. A desire to be whole. Heaven is the only place we truly belong.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I Kinda Thought
I kinda thought that life would seem grayer, considering the things I've encountered the past few weeks.
I kinda thought that the doubt bubbles that are seemingly floating over the heads of loved ones would block the light.
I kinda thought the world was different.
I kinda thought wrong.
Praise be to God, He has blessed me with peace, with focus, with a new sense of purpose in my life. Am I tempted to think that I have no room for error because I need to be a witness for my Lord? Yup. Am I then quickly reminded that I am only made perfect in Christ? YES, and praise God for it!
Life isn't different, because God isn't different. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I put my hope and trust in what He's told me in His Word. My faith isn't just something I've chosen to believe in, it is who I am. It is behind many of my life choices. It is what drives me. It is what anchors me to Him, when times are good or not-so-good.
And so, I find that God has called me to be a missionary in my own home--in my life. But isn't that what He calls us all to? It's really a shame that He had to use this scenario for my eyes to be fully opened to this calling.
So I'm choosing to turn the reins over to Him. I want Him to fill me up. I want to make my life an offering of praise. I want to be a bold witness to His power for healing and hope. I want Him to change me from the inside out, for the single purpose that He might be glorified and made known to this world.
Dear Father, you are an amazing God. I marvel daily at your creation, and the perfect ways you work in our lives. Forgive me for forgetting how small I am and how great you are. Forgive me when I believe that have control over my life, for you are the only one in control. Lord, please work your wonders in my heart and life. I don't want these to be empty words! I truly want you to fill me, to change me. I want to be a mirror that reflects you to this world. I want to be sold out to you. Please continue to fan these embers in my heart, and grow them into a fire for you that Satan has no hope of quenching. And Father, when things get scary, remind me that I've asked for you to come in and rearrange my spiritual furniture. Remind me that I must yield to your will. Thank you for rescuing me. I praise you for who you are.
I kinda thought that the doubt bubbles that are seemingly floating over the heads of loved ones would block the light.
I kinda thought the world was different.
I kinda thought wrong.
Praise be to God, He has blessed me with peace, with focus, with a new sense of purpose in my life. Am I tempted to think that I have no room for error because I need to be a witness for my Lord? Yup. Am I then quickly reminded that I am only made perfect in Christ? YES, and praise God for it!
Life isn't different, because God isn't different. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I put my hope and trust in what He's told me in His Word. My faith isn't just something I've chosen to believe in, it is who I am. It is behind many of my life choices. It is what drives me. It is what anchors me to Him, when times are good or not-so-good.
And so, I find that God has called me to be a missionary in my own home--in my life. But isn't that what He calls us all to? It's really a shame that He had to use this scenario for my eyes to be fully opened to this calling.
So I'm choosing to turn the reins over to Him. I want Him to fill me up. I want to make my life an offering of praise. I want to be a bold witness to His power for healing and hope. I want Him to change me from the inside out, for the single purpose that He might be glorified and made known to this world.
Dear Father, you are an amazing God. I marvel daily at your creation, and the perfect ways you work in our lives. Forgive me for forgetting how small I am and how great you are. Forgive me when I believe that have control over my life, for you are the only one in control. Lord, please work your wonders in my heart and life. I don't want these to be empty words! I truly want you to fill me, to change me. I want to be a mirror that reflects you to this world. I want to be sold out to you. Please continue to fan these embers in my heart, and grow them into a fire for you that Satan has no hope of quenching. And Father, when things get scary, remind me that I've asked for you to come in and rearrange my spiritual furniture. Remind me that I must yield to your will. Thank you for rescuing me. I praise you for who you are.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Life Goes On
I've written a lot about change. But the real theme on those "change" posts is trust. Trust in God. Fully giving Him my heart, and devoting every facet of my life to Him, even though I'm afraid of change.
Last week, and today, in fact, I find that my world has changed. No new jobs. No additions to the family. But my world is different, nonetheless. And I feel like all those compositions on change--the thoughts, the prayers, the intentions--are proof that God was priming my heart for this. And even though I don't like the circumstances in which I now find myself, I am so very grateful that my God loves me enough to have given me the spiritual airbag.
Life will go on. MY life will go on. And I choose to trust God to carry me through this. I trust that He'll give me the right words to say at the right times. And I trust Him to work powerfully through me to soften my man's heart. Because my God is mighty to save.
Last week, and today, in fact, I find that my world has changed. No new jobs. No additions to the family. But my world is different, nonetheless. And I feel like all those compositions on change--the thoughts, the prayers, the intentions--are proof that God was priming my heart for this. And even though I don't like the circumstances in which I now find myself, I am so very grateful that my God loves me enough to have given me the spiritual airbag.
Life will go on. MY life will go on. And I choose to trust God to carry me through this. I trust that He'll give me the right words to say at the right times. And I trust Him to work powerfully through me to soften my man's heart. Because my God is mighty to save.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Well, this is it
This is what God’s been calling me to. This is the fiery path He wants me to walk.
I sat there listening last night, in what can only be described as stunned silence. My jaw wasn’t hanging open, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t shocked.
My husband told me that he doesn’t believe in God. He said that for the better part of the past eighteen months, he has felt this way. Later in the conversation, he hinted that he’s not sure he’s ever believed.
He believes that Christ lived. He loves the teachings of Jesus, because they are so practical and relevant to everyday life. It’s just that one big statement, as he called it, that he can’t quite swallow. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (When I asked why this one statement tripped him up, hubby said, “Because if you don’t believe in God, then…”)
He believes it is wrong that the church will let itself be divided over petty issues (some that aren’t even addressed in scripture) when Christ’s final prayer on earth was for unity among His believers. I feel like he has come to despise the church and the things we proclaim to stand for, because we just can’t (or won’t) get along.
He said he thinks that the Old Testament is just religious fable, and that the Jews made up the idea of God to explain the things they couldn’t understand.
I just don’t get it. I know that we’re all different, but I really don’t understand this. I’ve never doubted God. Never. Growing up on the farm, I remember gazing at the stars at night and marveling at how vast the universe must be. And as I studied biology in high school and college, and learned about the complexities of our bodies, I marveled all the more at how amazing a creator our God is. And as I go through life as a parent, I learn more and more about the nature and heart of God. I see God in almost every facet of my life. So, to hear someone say that they don’t believe in Him… I cannot fathom it. I just do not understand how a person can look at the things that I look at, and not see God. And I’m not saying this from a position of criticism or condemnation. I truly just don’t understand. And so, I don’t know how to deal with this.
Since I’ve known him, I’ve known that he had some doubts, some big questions that he really wanted answers to. I hoped that he would listen to God’s whispers. But it seems shouts of the world have won out. He’s been meeting with a friend once a week to discuss these issues, but he chose the wrong person. That guy, even though he’s a good man, is WAY out in left field, and not a good choice for “help me work through these doubts.” So, I’m not surprised that those meetings did no good.
He confessed these beliefs to me because, as he stated it, he no longer wanted to be dishonest with me. I’m his best friend, and he didn’t want to keep these secrets from me, even if it meant hurting me. Well, I’m hurt. I’m angry. Confused. And torn up on the inside.
And here is the most terrifying thing (at this point): How will my children have any chance at salvation, when the world is so loud with its support of Satan, when their father is an unbeliever, and only their mother is proclaiming the existence of God? When they come to us asking about baptism and salvation, what is he going to say to them? I live and proclaim what I believe to be true. This is the way. CHRIST is THE WAY. And will dad’s atheist presence completely undo that? I’m afraid so.
Confession: I don’t want to be a failure. In this life or the next. As long as I remember, I’ve wanted my life here to glorify God. I want my children to grow up with that same desire. My greatest wish is for their lives to be in His service. If I fail at this, where will I find myself on judgment day? I know that I won’t be a perfect parent, that God will forgive me for mistakes along the way, but to fail in leading them salvation?
I am realizing that I am wholly unequipped to handle this situation.
Ah, but there’s the crux of the issue. Well, MY issue. God isn’t calling me to handle anything. I don’t suppose He ever has. He is calling me to trust in Him. To give the situation to Him. To walk this fiery path and magnify Him and His wonderfulness throughout it, so that my husband can come to believe.
There is little else I can do.
I sat there listening last night, in what can only be described as stunned silence. My jaw wasn’t hanging open, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t shocked.
My husband told me that he doesn’t believe in God. He said that for the better part of the past eighteen months, he has felt this way. Later in the conversation, he hinted that he’s not sure he’s ever believed.
He believes that Christ lived. He loves the teachings of Jesus, because they are so practical and relevant to everyday life. It’s just that one big statement, as he called it, that he can’t quite swallow. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (When I asked why this one statement tripped him up, hubby said, “Because if you don’t believe in God, then…”)
He believes it is wrong that the church will let itself be divided over petty issues (some that aren’t even addressed in scripture) when Christ’s final prayer on earth was for unity among His believers. I feel like he has come to despise the church and the things we proclaim to stand for, because we just can’t (or won’t) get along.
He said he thinks that the Old Testament is just religious fable, and that the Jews made up the idea of God to explain the things they couldn’t understand.
I just don’t get it. I know that we’re all different, but I really don’t understand this. I’ve never doubted God. Never. Growing up on the farm, I remember gazing at the stars at night and marveling at how vast the universe must be. And as I studied biology in high school and college, and learned about the complexities of our bodies, I marveled all the more at how amazing a creator our God is. And as I go through life as a parent, I learn more and more about the nature and heart of God. I see God in almost every facet of my life. So, to hear someone say that they don’t believe in Him… I cannot fathom it. I just do not understand how a person can look at the things that I look at, and not see God. And I’m not saying this from a position of criticism or condemnation. I truly just don’t understand. And so, I don’t know how to deal with this.
Since I’ve known him, I’ve known that he had some doubts, some big questions that he really wanted answers to. I hoped that he would listen to God’s whispers. But it seems shouts of the world have won out. He’s been meeting with a friend once a week to discuss these issues, but he chose the wrong person. That guy, even though he’s a good man, is WAY out in left field, and not a good choice for “help me work through these doubts.” So, I’m not surprised that those meetings did no good.
He confessed these beliefs to me because, as he stated it, he no longer wanted to be dishonest with me. I’m his best friend, and he didn’t want to keep these secrets from me, even if it meant hurting me. Well, I’m hurt. I’m angry. Confused. And torn up on the inside.
And here is the most terrifying thing (at this point): How will my children have any chance at salvation, when the world is so loud with its support of Satan, when their father is an unbeliever, and only their mother is proclaiming the existence of God? When they come to us asking about baptism and salvation, what is he going to say to them? I live and proclaim what I believe to be true. This is the way. CHRIST is THE WAY. And will dad’s atheist presence completely undo that? I’m afraid so.
Confession: I don’t want to be a failure. In this life or the next. As long as I remember, I’ve wanted my life here to glorify God. I want my children to grow up with that same desire. My greatest wish is for their lives to be in His service. If I fail at this, where will I find myself on judgment day? I know that I won’t be a perfect parent, that God will forgive me for mistakes along the way, but to fail in leading them salvation?
I am realizing that I am wholly unequipped to handle this situation.
Ah, but there’s the crux of the issue. Well, MY issue. God isn’t calling me to handle anything. I don’t suppose He ever has. He is calling me to trust in Him. To give the situation to Him. To walk this fiery path and magnify Him and His wonderfulness throughout it, so that my husband can come to believe.
There is little else I can do.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Change
They say life can change in an instant. We see evidence of that fact every day. Car wrecks. Earthquakes. Tornadoes. Births. Deaths. Etc.
I've been thinking a lot about change lately. Like, a lot. Fer-reals.
What is it that makes me dig in my heels at the slightest whiff of change? Is it written in my DNA? Is it my desire to control things, and change threatens that control? Is it my lack of trust in God?
I have a very good friend who is on the threshhold of a career change. He's worked a job for almost ten years that he has come to dread. I am so proud of him. He examined his situation and found a way to change it. CHANGE IT. He is embracing change. Now, this friend isn't some crazy dare-devil who's just throwing caution to the wind and crossing his fingers that this will work out alright. No. He has prayed about it. He's crunched numbers. He's considered all the pros and cons. But by changing jobs, he's headed into a certain level of unknownness. That's scary territory for me.
Change frightens me. I guess I just don't like my little boat rocked. During my first pregnancy, I was so terrified of the change that was coming, my friends and co-workers were seriously concerned for my mental well-being. This dread that I have of change apparently oozes out of my pores.
So, while I have no answers as to why I dig in my heels and resist change so stubbornly, I do believe this: God wants us to change.
Ugh, I said it. He wants us to change. He wants ME to change. And yet, I dig in my heels. I sit back and look at my friend on the verge of this life change, which will be so good for him and his family. But that's just it--I sit back and watch. I don't seek out change. I don't invite God to come in to my life and change things up a bit. Because change is scary.
So, here's what I think it all boils down to... I think I'm scared of change because I'm content in my life. My friend was very unhappy in his job. I work with someone who has been actively applying for other jobs because she's miserable in her current position. But me? I love my job. I love my family. My spouse. My friends. God has blessed me SO richly. Why would I seek to change all that?
I've been rambling on for over a month about change and how frightened I am. Well, there is one thing I want to change. I want to change my level of trust in God. I want to let Him rule in my life. I want to surrender to His will, and not be ruled by fear of the unknown.
And ya know... He'll probably send some change my way just to see how much I really mean that.
:-)
I've been thinking a lot about change lately. Like, a lot. Fer-reals.
What is it that makes me dig in my heels at the slightest whiff of change? Is it written in my DNA? Is it my desire to control things, and change threatens that control? Is it my lack of trust in God?
I have a very good friend who is on the threshhold of a career change. He's worked a job for almost ten years that he has come to dread. I am so proud of him. He examined his situation and found a way to change it. CHANGE IT. He is embracing change. Now, this friend isn't some crazy dare-devil who's just throwing caution to the wind and crossing his fingers that this will work out alright. No. He has prayed about it. He's crunched numbers. He's considered all the pros and cons. But by changing jobs, he's headed into a certain level of unknownness. That's scary territory for me.
Change frightens me. I guess I just don't like my little boat rocked. During my first pregnancy, I was so terrified of the change that was coming, my friends and co-workers were seriously concerned for my mental well-being. This dread that I have of change apparently oozes out of my pores.
So, while I have no answers as to why I dig in my heels and resist change so stubbornly, I do believe this: God wants us to change.
Ugh, I said it. He wants us to change. He wants ME to change. And yet, I dig in my heels. I sit back and look at my friend on the verge of this life change, which will be so good for him and his family. But that's just it--I sit back and watch. I don't seek out change. I don't invite God to come in to my life and change things up a bit. Because change is scary.
So, here's what I think it all boils down to... I think I'm scared of change because I'm content in my life. My friend was very unhappy in his job. I work with someone who has been actively applying for other jobs because she's miserable in her current position. But me? I love my job. I love my family. My spouse. My friends. God has blessed me SO richly. Why would I seek to change all that?
I've been rambling on for over a month about change and how frightened I am. Well, there is one thing I want to change. I want to change my level of trust in God. I want to let Him rule in my life. I want to surrender to His will, and not be ruled by fear of the unknown.
And ya know... He'll probably send some change my way just to see how much I really mean that.
:-)
Friday, June 3, 2011
Living with Guilt
I hurt someone very dear to me. It wasn't intentional. It wasn't malicious. It wasn't premeditated.
It was clumsy, and possibly ill-conceived. It probably shouldn't have been said at all. The dear one and I haven't spoken since.
So, I'm living with guilt and sadness over hurting this dear friend. And while I'm so very sorry for the hurt I've caused, for the things I said, I cannot help but wonder why guilt holds such power over me in my life.
I do or don't do things based on the level of guilt I know I will feel for doing or not doing said things. Or, if I don't do what I know I should do, then I really get rough on myself, emotionally speaking, and that only perpetuates the cycle of guilt. I believe that God has given us a conscience to serve as our guide when we don't necessarily know what is right or wrong.
I thought I was right. Now I think I was wrong. And I'm living with guilt over it all.
It was clumsy, and possibly ill-conceived. It probably shouldn't have been said at all. The dear one and I haven't spoken since.
So, I'm living with guilt and sadness over hurting this dear friend. And while I'm so very sorry for the hurt I've caused, for the things I said, I cannot help but wonder why guilt holds such power over me in my life.
I do or don't do things based on the level of guilt I know I will feel for doing or not doing said things. Or, if I don't do what I know I should do, then I really get rough on myself, emotionally speaking, and that only perpetuates the cycle of guilt. I believe that God has given us a conscience to serve as our guide when we don't necessarily know what is right or wrong.
I thought I was right. Now I think I was wrong. And I'm living with guilt over it all.
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