Open

Why is it, do you think, that we hide things?

Why do I hide my obnoxious laugh from the whole of society?  Why do I try to hide my character flaws from those closest to me?  Why don't I just lay all those things out for all to see?

Fear of judgment, I suppose.

So I hide my warts.  My weaknesses.  My sinfulness.  I try to hide my sinfulness from the One who created me.  From the One who knows my inmost thoughts, whether good or ill.  From the One whose job it is to ultimately judge me.  But why am I afraid of His judgment?  I'm covered by Christ.  Praise God, I'm saved by the blood of Christ.  I'm a child of God! 

The chorus of a song by Martin Nystrom says, "Here is my heart, Lord, I lay it open.  Search every corner, cleanse every part.  Here is my heart, Lord, yielded and broken.  Merciful Lord, come and restore.  Here is my heart."

I want to want this.  This attitude.  Emptying myself of me, and wanting the Lord to come in and make me whole.  Wholly His.


Father God, forgive me for always failing you.  For being so set on my own way.  For ignoring your tugs at my heart.  For keeping blinders on to my sins and to my state of utter brokenness.  Lord, I want to want you more.  I want a passion for you and your will in my heart and life.  Please help me to take off these things that are just weighing me down, and hand them over to you.  Please help me to trust that you are the only shelter my heart needs.  Help me come to you for comfort instead of burying my hurts deep within.  And forgive me for not asking these things years ago.

Serve

[v] - to put the ball into play.

[v] - to render assistance; be of service; help.

[v] - to act as a servant.

[v] - to answer the purpose.

Not all of those short definitions provoke thoughts in my mind.  The last does, however.  "To answer the purpose."  An example is listed with this at dictionary.com.  "That will serve to explain my actions."  That will serve to explain my actions.  To answer the purpose.

Does my life answer the purpose to which I was called?  For which I was created?  Here's a passage that my church is currently focusing on, specifically verse 45.

Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:42-45 NIV)

Christ calls me to be a servant.  He modeled it.   And I think He'd want me to model to those in my small circle. 

Why is it that I find it difficult to act as a servant to my family?  My husband, my children.  Shouldn't these be the first I serve?  Or at the very least, have the HEART to serve?  And if I have a heart to serve, then why don't I?  Why do I do laundry begrudgingly, when I could view it as an act of service to my family?  Why don't I view any household chore as an act of service to them? 

Then I start thinking about the larger circle... The people I encounter in my job, or at the market, or gas station.  How do I grow my heart for service?  Christ said, "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” (John 13:35 NLT)

I'm not sure I've been proving much other than I love myself.  But I hope to do better in the coming days.

Still Drifting

I'm still drifting.  Or at least I feel like I am.  I'd like to think that I'm anchored while the world around me is being tossed about.  That's probably a bit arrogant, though.

I don't know where to turn for solid advice.  God is there to listen to my pleas, but I'm not hearing much advice from Him.  One friend (who is a terrific, wonderful gal) has listened, and tried to help me understand my husband's doubts.  And while I do want to understand, I still feel like I'm treading water.  Or spinning my wheels.  Another friend encourages me to seek marital counseling.  I'm not opposed to that, but it isn't cheap, we're on a very tight budget, and I'm sure my husband wouldn't be thrilled about it.  Plus, at the moment, I don't feel like my marriage is in peril.  I feel like my husband is being swallowed by these doubts!  Who can help me with this?  I need some serious advice.  And it would be great if the advice was helpful and productive, too.