Monday, May 30, 2011

I wish...

I wish I could say that I've been content and peaceful these past weeks, waiting and waiting but hearing nothing.

I wish I could say that my blood pressure didn't spike everytime my phone rang.

I wish I could say that I didn't ride an emotional roller coaster when considering this thing that I saw coming down the pike.

I wish I could say I relied on God.  Trusting His promises to bless me.  To not forsake me.  To give me peace.

But I relied on myself.  I relied on my friends and family.  I didn't really rely on God.

I've just been waiting.  In fact, I'd become content to believe that the thing that I saw coming was actually all conjured up in my imagination.  I settled back in with contentment and joy with my current place in life. 

And now, now that there is another glimmer that this thing is indeed coming, I'm wondering...
Has this all been on hold because God was waiting for me to rely more fully on Him?  Has He actually been waiting for me to be ready?  Ready for Him to lead me into a new place?  Lead me out of complacency?  Waiting for me to just accept the invitation to dance with Him?

I can't help but wonder.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Well, Here I Am Again

It's the middle of the night.  And I'm awake.  Again. 

My brain just won't stop.  I sense something coming down the road.  And the road is short.  Very short.  And I'm afraid.  Very afraid.

I don't like change.  It ruffles my feathers and makes me uncomfortable and unsure.  And I like to be comfortable.  I like to be sure.  I guess I'll just have to get my assurance from the One who commands it.  Ha.  Sounds simple. 

I confess, I'm not ready for this thing that is coming down the short road.  In fact, I'm digging in my heels, hoping to slow things down and make the road seem longer. 

I've been part of a small Bible study group for the past few weeks.  The study has really focused in on one particular issue, seemingly having nothing to do with trusting God and life change and all the stuff I'm talking about here.  Last night's study, though, was a bit painful.  Because the main point was challenging us to make a courageous choice.  To be a courageous woman.  And with all my might I cry out "BUT I'M SO AFRAID!"

Father, I am so afraid.  I'm on my knees, not asking you to take this thing away, but asking you to take away my fear.  I want to be a courageous woman.  Courageous for you.  For my family.  For me.  But the "what IFs" terrify me.  Please, Lord, wrap me up in your marvelous arms, and whisper that it's all gonna be okay.  And then, help me to believe you.