Friday, June 10, 2011


They say life can change in an instant.  We see evidence of that fact every day.  Car wrecks.  Earthquakes.  Tornadoes.  Births.  Deaths.  Etc.

I've been thinking a lot about change lately.  Like, a lot.  Fer-reals.

What is it that makes me dig in my heels at the slightest whiff of change?  Is it written in my DNA?  Is it my desire to control things, and change threatens that control?  Is it my lack of trust in God?

I have a very good friend who is on the threshhold of a career change.  He's worked a job for almost ten years that he has come to dread.  I am so proud of him.  He examined his situation and found a way to change it.  CHANGE IT.  He is embracing change.  Now, this friend isn't some crazy dare-devil who's just throwing caution to the wind and crossing his fingers that this will work out alright.  No.  He has prayed about it.  He's crunched numbers.  He's considered all the pros and cons.  But by changing jobs, he's headed into a certain level of unknownness.  That's scary territory for me.

Change frightens me.  I guess I just don't like my little boat rocked.  During my first pregnancy, I was so terrified of the change that was coming, my friends and co-workers were seriously concerned for my mental well-being.  This dread that I have of change apparently oozes out of my pores.

So, while I have no answers as to why I dig in my heels and resist change so stubbornly, I do believe this:  God wants us to change.

Ugh, I said it.  He wants us to change.  He wants ME to change.  And yet, I dig in my heels.  I sit back and look at my friend on the verge of this life change, which will be so good for him and his family.  But that's just it--I sit back and watch.  I don't seek out change.  I don't invite God to come in to my life and change things up a bit.  Because change is scary.

So, here's what I think it all boils down to... I think I'm scared of change because I'm content in my life.  My friend was very unhappy in his job.  I work with someone who has been actively applying for other jobs because she's miserable in her current position.  But me?  I love my job.  I love my family.  My spouse.  My friends.  God has blessed me SO richly.  Why would I seek to change all that?

I've been rambling on for over a month about change and how frightened I am.  Well, there is one thing I want to change.  I want to change my level of trust in God.  I want to let Him rule in my life.  I want to surrender to His will, and not be ruled by fear of the unknown.

And ya know... He'll probably send some change my way just to see how much I really mean that.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Living with Guilt

I hurt someone very dear to me.  It wasn't intentional.  It wasn't malicious.  It wasn't premeditated.

It was clumsy, and possibly ill-conceived.  It probably shouldn't have been said at all.  The dear one and I haven't spoken since.

So, I'm living with guilt and sadness over hurting this dear friend.  And while I'm so very sorry for the hurt I've caused, for the things I said, I cannot help but wonder why guilt holds such power over me in my life.

I do or don't do things based on the level of guilt I know I will feel for doing or not doing said things.  Or, if I don't do what I know I should do, then I really get rough on myself, emotionally speaking, and that only perpetuates the cycle of guilt.  I believe that God has given us a conscience to serve as our guide when we don't necessarily know what is right or wrong.

I thought I was right.  Now I think I was wrong.  And I'm living with guilt over it all.