Thursday, July 28, 2011

I Kinda Thought

I kinda thought that life would seem grayer, considering the things I've encountered the past few weeks.

I kinda thought that the doubt bubbles that are seemingly floating over the heads of loved ones would block the light.

I kinda thought the world was different.

I kinda thought wrong.

Praise be to God, He has blessed me with peace, with focus, with a new sense of purpose in my life.  Am I tempted to think that I have no room for error because I need to be a witness for my Lord?  Yup.  Am I then quickly reminded that I am only made perfect in Christ?  YES, and praise God for it!

Life isn't different, because God isn't different.  He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  I put my hope and trust in what He's told me in His Word.  My faith isn't just something I've chosen to believe in, it is who I am.  It is behind many of my life choices.  It is what drives me.  It is what anchors me to Him, when times are good or not-so-good.

And so, I find that God has called me to be a missionary in my own home--in my life.  But isn't that what He calls us all to?  It's really a shame that He had to use this scenario for my eyes to be fully opened to this calling.

So I'm choosing to turn the reins over to Him.  I want Him to fill me up.  I want to make my life an offering of praise.  I want to be a bold witness to His power for healing and hope.  I want Him to change me from the inside out, for the single purpose that He might be glorified and made known to this world. 

Dear Father, you are an amazing God.  I marvel daily at your creation, and the perfect ways you work in our lives.  Forgive me for forgetting how small I am and how great you are.  Forgive me when I believe that have control over my life, for you are the only one in control.  Lord, please work your wonders in my heart and life.  I don't want these to be empty words!  I truly want you to fill me, to change me.  I want to be a mirror that reflects you to this world.  I want to be sold out to you.  Please continue to fan these embers in my heart, and grow them into a fire for you that Satan has no hope of quenching.  And Father, when things get scary, remind me that I've asked for you to come in and rearrange my spiritual furniture.  Remind me that I must yield to your will.  Thank you for rescuing me.  I praise you for who you are.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Life Goes On

I've written a lot about change.  But the real theme on those "change" posts is trust.  Trust in God.  Fully giving Him my heart, and devoting every facet of my life to Him, even though I'm afraid of change.

Last week, and today, in fact, I find that my world has changed.  No new jobs.  No additions to the family.  But my world is different, nonetheless.  And I feel like all those compositions on change--the thoughts, the prayers, the intentions--are proof that God was priming my heart for this.  And even though I don't like the circumstances in which I now find myself, I am so very grateful that my God loves me enough to have given me the spiritual airbag.

Life will go on.  MY life will go on.  And I choose to trust God to carry me through this.  I trust that He'll give me the right words to say at the right times.  And I trust Him to work powerfully through me to soften my man's heart.  Because my God is mighty to save.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Well, this is it

This is what God’s been calling me to. This is the fiery path He wants me to walk.

I sat there listening last night, in what can only be described as stunned silence. My jaw wasn’t hanging open, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t shocked.

My husband told me that he doesn’t believe in God. He said that for the better part of the past eighteen months, he has felt this way. Later in the conversation, he hinted that he’s not sure he’s ever believed.

He believes that Christ lived. He loves the teachings of Jesus, because they are so practical and relevant to everyday life. It’s just that one big statement, as he called it, that he can’t quite swallow. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (When I asked why this one statement tripped him up, hubby said, “Because if you don’t believe in God, then…”)

He believes it is wrong that the church will let itself be divided over petty issues (some that aren’t even addressed in scripture) when Christ’s final prayer on earth was for unity among His believers. I feel like he has come to despise the church and the things we proclaim to stand for, because we just can’t (or won’t) get along.

He said he thinks that the Old Testament is just religious fable, and that the Jews made up the idea of God to explain the things they couldn’t understand.

I just don’t get it. I know that we’re all different, but I really don’t understand this. I’ve never doubted God. Never. Growing up on the farm, I remember gazing at the stars at night and marveling at how vast the universe must be. And as I studied biology in high school and college, and learned about the complexities of our bodies, I marveled all the more at how amazing a creator our God is. And as I go through life as a parent, I learn more and more about the nature and heart of God. I see God in almost every facet of my life. So, to hear someone say that they don’t believe in Him… I cannot fathom it. I just do not understand how a person can look at the things that I look at, and not see God. And I’m not saying this from a position of criticism or condemnation. I truly just don’t understand. And so, I don’t know how to deal with this.

Since I’ve known him, I’ve known that he had some doubts, some big questions that he really wanted answers to. I hoped that he would listen to God’s whispers. But it seems shouts of the world have won out. He’s been meeting with a friend once a week to discuss these issues, but he chose the wrong person. That guy, even though he’s a good man, is WAY out in left field, and not a good choice for “help me work through these doubts.” So, I’m not surprised that those meetings did no good.

He confessed these beliefs to me because, as he stated it, he no longer wanted to be dishonest with me. I’m his best friend, and he didn’t want to keep these secrets from me, even if it meant hurting me. Well, I’m hurt. I’m angry. Confused. And torn up on the inside.

And here is the most terrifying thing (at this point): How will my children have any chance at salvation, when the world is so loud with its support of Satan, when their father is an unbeliever, and only their mother is proclaiming the existence of God? When they come to us asking about baptism and salvation, what is he going to say to them? I live and proclaim what I believe to be true. This is the way. CHRIST is THE WAY. And will dad’s atheist presence completely undo that? I’m afraid so.

Confession: I don’t want to be a failure. In this life or the next. As long as I remember, I’ve wanted my life here to glorify God. I want my children to grow up with that same desire. My greatest wish is for their lives to be in His service. If I fail at this, where will I find myself on judgment day? I know that I won’t be a perfect parent, that God will forgive me for mistakes along the way, but to fail in leading them salvation?

I am realizing that I am wholly unequipped to handle this situation.

Ah, but there’s the crux of the issue. Well, MY issue. God isn’t calling me to handle anything. I don’t suppose He ever has. He is calling me to trust in Him. To give the situation to Him. To walk this fiery path and magnify Him and His wonderfulness throughout it, so that my husband can come to believe.

There is little else I can do.