Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Well, this is it

This is what God’s been calling me to. This is the fiery path He wants me to walk.

I sat there listening last night, in what can only be described as stunned silence. My jaw wasn’t hanging open, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t shocked.

My husband told me that he doesn’t believe in God. He said that for the better part of the past eighteen months, he has felt this way. Later in the conversation, he hinted that he’s not sure he’s ever believed.

He believes that Christ lived. He loves the teachings of Jesus, because they are so practical and relevant to everyday life. It’s just that one big statement, as he called it, that he can’t quite swallow. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (When I asked why this one statement tripped him up, hubby said, “Because if you don’t believe in God, then…”)

He believes it is wrong that the church will let itself be divided over petty issues (some that aren’t even addressed in scripture) when Christ’s final prayer on earth was for unity among His believers. I feel like he has come to despise the church and the things we proclaim to stand for, because we just can’t (or won’t) get along.

He said he thinks that the Old Testament is just religious fable, and that the Jews made up the idea of God to explain the things they couldn’t understand.

I just don’t get it. I know that we’re all different, but I really don’t understand this. I’ve never doubted God. Never. Growing up on the farm, I remember gazing at the stars at night and marveling at how vast the universe must be. And as I studied biology in high school and college, and learned about the complexities of our bodies, I marveled all the more at how amazing a creator our God is. And as I go through life as a parent, I learn more and more about the nature and heart of God. I see God in almost every facet of my life. So, to hear someone say that they don’t believe in Him… I cannot fathom it. I just do not understand how a person can look at the things that I look at, and not see God. And I’m not saying this from a position of criticism or condemnation. I truly just don’t understand. And so, I don’t know how to deal with this.

Since I’ve known him, I’ve known that he had some doubts, some big questions that he really wanted answers to. I hoped that he would listen to God’s whispers. But it seems shouts of the world have won out. He’s been meeting with a friend once a week to discuss these issues, but he chose the wrong person. That guy, even though he’s a good man, is WAY out in left field, and not a good choice for “help me work through these doubts.” So, I’m not surprised that those meetings did no good.

He confessed these beliefs to me because, as he stated it, he no longer wanted to be dishonest with me. I’m his best friend, and he didn’t want to keep these secrets from me, even if it meant hurting me. Well, I’m hurt. I’m angry. Confused. And torn up on the inside.

And here is the most terrifying thing (at this point): How will my children have any chance at salvation, when the world is so loud with its support of Satan, when their father is an unbeliever, and only their mother is proclaiming the existence of God? When they come to us asking about baptism and salvation, what is he going to say to them? I live and proclaim what I believe to be true. This is the way. CHRIST is THE WAY. And will dad’s atheist presence completely undo that? I’m afraid so.

Confession: I don’t want to be a failure. In this life or the next. As long as I remember, I’ve wanted my life here to glorify God. I want my children to grow up with that same desire. My greatest wish is for their lives to be in His service. If I fail at this, where will I find myself on judgment day? I know that I won’t be a perfect parent, that God will forgive me for mistakes along the way, but to fail in leading them salvation?

I am realizing that I am wholly unequipped to handle this situation.

Ah, but there’s the crux of the issue. Well, MY issue. God isn’t calling me to handle anything. I don’t suppose He ever has. He is calling me to trust in Him. To give the situation to Him. To walk this fiery path and magnify Him and His wonderfulness throughout it, so that my husband can come to believe.

There is little else I can do.

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