Tonight I have this ache and longing in my heart. An ache for home. A longing for Heaven.
God blesses me. Again and again. Yet, the rottenness of this life seems to be gnawing at me lately. A friend from college buried her young sister-in-law today. A family in my church is grieving the death of their not-yet-two year old nephew last week. My good friend's dad is dealing with crippling pain. Two of my loved ones have serious faith struggles.
And I... Well, it sounds fickle to say it now, but I have a challenging child. I don't care how many people tell me his behavior is "normal," nothing about our relationship feels right or normal. And while I'm certain that God plans to teach me many things throughout the life of this child, tonight, his behavior has me aching for home. For Heaven. For the place where we can co-exist without pre-pubescent attitude, without his determination that I favor his siblings and hate him, without the anguish that parenting him brings. I long to look into the eyes of my Heavenly Father and hope to hear Him say, "You did well with what I gave you."
I suppose in the grand scheme of things, this does seem petty. After all, my son has a healthy mind and body. He has a compassionate spirit and the will to lead. I hope and pray that God will use him for mighty things one day. But I hope and pray equally that God will equip me to not fail my son. Or Him.