During a conversation with some friends last week, I said something that, I later realized, could qualify as legalistic. I don't like legalism. It is stringent and stiff and backs you into a corner. And I don't like being backed into a corner. However, retrospect on this conversation is revealing to me that maybe I'm a legalist at heart. I see the world in black and white. I think I always have. Growing up, when told to do something, I obeyed because it was the right thing to do. On the odd occasion that I did break a rule, I was overwhelmed with guilt because I had done the wrong thing.
Living life with this black-or-white philosophy can be quite challenging. There are all these shades of gray, you see. Two of my children frequently wade through these shades of gray. And I've realized through the heartbreak of my husband's recent break from faith that he sees life in gray, rarely in black and white.
So what am I to do with all the gray matter that the world holds? I'm sure there are many philosophical roads that this question could lead me down. But it dawned on me today that I probably need to stop asking that question, and just start trusting that God knows what to do with the shades of gray. And with my legalistic, black and white heart.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Search for Significance
It seems to me that Americans are searching for significance. Perhaps it is the generation in which we live, but the more I look around, the more I see people wanting to be known for something. To gain notoriety from something they do.
Sadly, I am no exception.
Some events of the past month have started me wondering about the mark I'm leaving on this world. Am I significant? Am I making a difference in my life?
There's all the laundry that I wash and fold. The lunches that I pack daily. And the other meals I prepare or, at the very least, pay for. The shopping I do so that my family has food to eat. The cleaning--albeit little--that I do. The hair that I brush, the beds that I make, the bottoms that I wipe, the toys that I trip over and eventually put away.
The people that I work with and for. The phone calls that I answer and place. The words that I utter. The way in which I speak the words that I utter. The efficiency with which I do my work. The passion with which I prepare my work. The attitude with which I arrive at work. And leave work.
The amount that I pray, or don't pray. The amount that I study, or don't study. How little or much credit I give to God. How often I glorify His name. And tell others about His Son, my Savior.
All these things seem so very small and insignificant. And so I tend to feel very small and insignificant.
But what I'm learning, and have to keep remembering, is that just because these things compose my daily life, they do not define who I am. I have to focus on the fact that I am a child of God, a fellow heir with Christ. And if that isn't significance enough, then why on earth am I even getting out of bed each morning?
Sadly, I am no exception.
Some events of the past month have started me wondering about the mark I'm leaving on this world. Am I significant? Am I making a difference in my life?
There's all the laundry that I wash and fold. The lunches that I pack daily. And the other meals I prepare or, at the very least, pay for. The shopping I do so that my family has food to eat. The cleaning--albeit little--that I do. The hair that I brush, the beds that I make, the bottoms that I wipe, the toys that I trip over and eventually put away.
The people that I work with and for. The phone calls that I answer and place. The words that I utter. The way in which I speak the words that I utter. The efficiency with which I do my work. The passion with which I prepare my work. The attitude with which I arrive at work. And leave work.
The amount that I pray, or don't pray. The amount that I study, or don't study. How little or much credit I give to God. How often I glorify His name. And tell others about His Son, my Savior.
All these things seem so very small and insignificant. And so I tend to feel very small and insignificant.
But what I'm learning, and have to keep remembering, is that just because these things compose my daily life, they do not define who I am. I have to focus on the fact that I am a child of God, a fellow heir with Christ. And if that isn't significance enough, then why on earth am I even getting out of bed each morning?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thoughts from a Tenth Anniversary
The world changed ten years ago.
My brain consumed a barrage of media reflections on Sunday. Viewing footage and photos and interview after interview of people who escaped or lost loved ones that day. It felt to me as though it just happened yesterday. This horrible thing that one just can't wrap their mind around.
It was a turning point in thousands of lives.
For me, personally, I watched the footage ten years ago wondering how people could unleash such hatred on fellow human beings. While I'm sure others sat watching, wondering how a merciful God could let this horrible thing happen.
And so I wonder... For how many people was that day a turning point in their faith? And was my husband among them?
My brain consumed a barrage of media reflections on Sunday. Viewing footage and photos and interview after interview of people who escaped or lost loved ones that day. It felt to me as though it just happened yesterday. This horrible thing that one just can't wrap their mind around.
It was a turning point in thousands of lives.
For me, personally, I watched the footage ten years ago wondering how people could unleash such hatred on fellow human beings. While I'm sure others sat watching, wondering how a merciful God could let this horrible thing happen.
And so I wonder... For how many people was that day a turning point in their faith? And was my husband among them?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Full, yet empty
Do you ever have times where you just feel emotionally numb? I'm numb right now. The last time I felt this way, I was spiralling into a deep depression that took weeks to come out of. I'm determined not to go there again, and so I've been looking around for things to keep me afloat. And boy did one smack me across the face last night.
I guess I've known this about myself for some time, but, like I said, it hit me hard last night. Check it out... Psalm 42:1-2, "As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?" (NLT) Smack. And, ouch. Have I ever longed for God to the extent that I desire food? Or Dr. Pepper? Or napping? If I'm going to be honest, the answer is no. I confess, my cravings for Dr. Pepper are WAY stronger than my cravings for God. And I'm so ashamed of that fact. I once read that "shallow efforts produce shallow results." I'm learning that it is the mark of a mature Christian to put in strong, enduring, and passionate effort to come near to God. And I confess... I'm immature.
So, this is my ongoing struggle. To be filled up with God, so that I'm no longer empty. And until I get there, I'll just keep trying to fill the hole with naps, ice cream and Dr. Pepper. Or new clothes. Or affirmation from others. Or whatever I think will fill the hole at any particular moment.
Back to the numbness.
I ended up reading all of Psalm 42. Again... OUCH. Verse four says "My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be." Yes, a very familiar feeling. Part of verse six says "Now I am deeply discouraged..." Also a familiar tune. Verse seven says "I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me." Again, I know the feeling. Listen up to this stuff though... Verses five and eleven, "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!" And verse eight, "But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."
Each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me. Even though I apparently love Dr. Pepper more than Him. Even though I get caught up in a pity-party of the sad details of my life. Even though some of my behavior denies that I even know Him. He continues to love me. He pours it out on me. He wants to fill me up.
How blessed I am, even though it feels like Satan is peck-peck-pecking me to a breaking point. I'm blessed to have a God who loves me. Who cherishes me. Who never tires and always listens to my complaints. Oh, how very blessed I am.
Father, forgive me for losing sight of your love and blessings. Forgive me for listening intently to the whispers of Satan and getting lost in the muck, when I should be holding tight to your goodness and hope. I know that You'll provide, that You'll save, that You'll love, no matter how lost or low I think I am. Please help me to remember that. And Lord, please protect me from further attacks by Satan. Run him off. Keep him away. I'm trying to cling to you.
I guess I've known this about myself for some time, but, like I said, it hit me hard last night. Check it out... Psalm 42:1-2, "As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?" (NLT) Smack. And, ouch. Have I ever longed for God to the extent that I desire food? Or Dr. Pepper? Or napping? If I'm going to be honest, the answer is no. I confess, my cravings for Dr. Pepper are WAY stronger than my cravings for God. And I'm so ashamed of that fact. I once read that "shallow efforts produce shallow results." I'm learning that it is the mark of a mature Christian to put in strong, enduring, and passionate effort to come near to God. And I confess... I'm immature.
So, this is my ongoing struggle. To be filled up with God, so that I'm no longer empty. And until I get there, I'll just keep trying to fill the hole with naps, ice cream and Dr. Pepper. Or new clothes. Or affirmation from others. Or whatever I think will fill the hole at any particular moment.
Back to the numbness.
I ended up reading all of Psalm 42. Again... OUCH. Verse four says "My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be." Yes, a very familiar feeling. Part of verse six says "Now I am deeply discouraged..." Also a familiar tune. Verse seven says "I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me." Again, I know the feeling. Listen up to this stuff though... Verses five and eleven, "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!" And verse eight, "But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."
Each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me. Even though I apparently love Dr. Pepper more than Him. Even though I get caught up in a pity-party of the sad details of my life. Even though some of my behavior denies that I even know Him. He continues to love me. He pours it out on me. He wants to fill me up.
How blessed I am, even though it feels like Satan is peck-peck-pecking me to a breaking point. I'm blessed to have a God who loves me. Who cherishes me. Who never tires and always listens to my complaints. Oh, how very blessed I am.
Father, forgive me for losing sight of your love and blessings. Forgive me for listening intently to the whispers of Satan and getting lost in the muck, when I should be holding tight to your goodness and hope. I know that You'll provide, that You'll save, that You'll love, no matter how lost or low I think I am. Please help me to remember that. And Lord, please protect me from further attacks by Satan. Run him off. Keep him away. I'm trying to cling to you.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Where We Belong
I read a statement the other day that I found powerful and compelling and, well... sticky. You know--it stuck with me.
"Where you come to believe you belong is where you will stay." ~Lysa TerKeurst
Twenty years ago I was dating my high-school sweetheart, daydreaming and planning our wedding and our life together. He eventually proposed to me, and I said yes. I had come to believe that he was where I belonged. So, when feelings of discontent and hopes of something different fluttered into my mind, I dismissed them, because I was where I belonged, after all. It took a lot of prodding and poking from the Spirit, but I eventually came to listen to those feelings. I moved on. My heart longed for more.
I don't think this is too dis-similar from our lives as Christians.
We listen to the lies of Satan, believing that we're bound by our sin, and deserving of nothing better. Or we just stay content with what this world has to offer, and slowly forget that we were made for so much more.
Let God rekindle that longing in your heart. Listen to it. Let the Spirit nurture it. For it is a longing for heaven. An urge to find more. A desire to be whole. Heaven is the only place we truly belong.
"Where you come to believe you belong is where you will stay." ~Lysa TerKeurst
Twenty years ago I was dating my high-school sweetheart, daydreaming and planning our wedding and our life together. He eventually proposed to me, and I said yes. I had come to believe that he was where I belonged. So, when feelings of discontent and hopes of something different fluttered into my mind, I dismissed them, because I was where I belonged, after all. It took a lot of prodding and poking from the Spirit, but I eventually came to listen to those feelings. I moved on. My heart longed for more.
I don't think this is too dis-similar from our lives as Christians.
We listen to the lies of Satan, believing that we're bound by our sin, and deserving of nothing better. Or we just stay content with what this world has to offer, and slowly forget that we were made for so much more.
Let God rekindle that longing in your heart. Listen to it. Let the Spirit nurture it. For it is a longing for heaven. An urge to find more. A desire to be whole. Heaven is the only place we truly belong.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I Kinda Thought
I kinda thought that life would seem grayer, considering the things I've encountered the past few weeks.
I kinda thought that the doubt bubbles that are seemingly floating over the heads of loved ones would block the light.
I kinda thought the world was different.
I kinda thought wrong.
Praise be to God, He has blessed me with peace, with focus, with a new sense of purpose in my life. Am I tempted to think that I have no room for error because I need to be a witness for my Lord? Yup. Am I then quickly reminded that I am only made perfect in Christ? YES, and praise God for it!
Life isn't different, because God isn't different. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I put my hope and trust in what He's told me in His Word. My faith isn't just something I've chosen to believe in, it is who I am. It is behind many of my life choices. It is what drives me. It is what anchors me to Him, when times are good or not-so-good.
And so, I find that God has called me to be a missionary in my own home--in my life. But isn't that what He calls us all to? It's really a shame that He had to use this scenario for my eyes to be fully opened to this calling.
So I'm choosing to turn the reins over to Him. I want Him to fill me up. I want to make my life an offering of praise. I want to be a bold witness to His power for healing and hope. I want Him to change me from the inside out, for the single purpose that He might be glorified and made known to this world.
Dear Father, you are an amazing God. I marvel daily at your creation, and the perfect ways you work in our lives. Forgive me for forgetting how small I am and how great you are. Forgive me when I believe that have control over my life, for you are the only one in control. Lord, please work your wonders in my heart and life. I don't want these to be empty words! I truly want you to fill me, to change me. I want to be a mirror that reflects you to this world. I want to be sold out to you. Please continue to fan these embers in my heart, and grow them into a fire for you that Satan has no hope of quenching. And Father, when things get scary, remind me that I've asked for you to come in and rearrange my spiritual furniture. Remind me that I must yield to your will. Thank you for rescuing me. I praise you for who you are.
I kinda thought that the doubt bubbles that are seemingly floating over the heads of loved ones would block the light.
I kinda thought the world was different.
I kinda thought wrong.
Praise be to God, He has blessed me with peace, with focus, with a new sense of purpose in my life. Am I tempted to think that I have no room for error because I need to be a witness for my Lord? Yup. Am I then quickly reminded that I am only made perfect in Christ? YES, and praise God for it!
Life isn't different, because God isn't different. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I put my hope and trust in what He's told me in His Word. My faith isn't just something I've chosen to believe in, it is who I am. It is behind many of my life choices. It is what drives me. It is what anchors me to Him, when times are good or not-so-good.
And so, I find that God has called me to be a missionary in my own home--in my life. But isn't that what He calls us all to? It's really a shame that He had to use this scenario for my eyes to be fully opened to this calling.
So I'm choosing to turn the reins over to Him. I want Him to fill me up. I want to make my life an offering of praise. I want to be a bold witness to His power for healing and hope. I want Him to change me from the inside out, for the single purpose that He might be glorified and made known to this world.
Dear Father, you are an amazing God. I marvel daily at your creation, and the perfect ways you work in our lives. Forgive me for forgetting how small I am and how great you are. Forgive me when I believe that have control over my life, for you are the only one in control. Lord, please work your wonders in my heart and life. I don't want these to be empty words! I truly want you to fill me, to change me. I want to be a mirror that reflects you to this world. I want to be sold out to you. Please continue to fan these embers in my heart, and grow them into a fire for you that Satan has no hope of quenching. And Father, when things get scary, remind me that I've asked for you to come in and rearrange my spiritual furniture. Remind me that I must yield to your will. Thank you for rescuing me. I praise you for who you are.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Life Goes On
I've written a lot about change. But the real theme on those "change" posts is trust. Trust in God. Fully giving Him my heart, and devoting every facet of my life to Him, even though I'm afraid of change.
Last week, and today, in fact, I find that my world has changed. No new jobs. No additions to the family. But my world is different, nonetheless. And I feel like all those compositions on change--the thoughts, the prayers, the intentions--are proof that God was priming my heart for this. And even though I don't like the circumstances in which I now find myself, I am so very grateful that my God loves me enough to have given me the spiritual airbag.
Life will go on. MY life will go on. And I choose to trust God to carry me through this. I trust that He'll give me the right words to say at the right times. And I trust Him to work powerfully through me to soften my man's heart. Because my God is mighty to save.
Last week, and today, in fact, I find that my world has changed. No new jobs. No additions to the family. But my world is different, nonetheless. And I feel like all those compositions on change--the thoughts, the prayers, the intentions--are proof that God was priming my heart for this. And even though I don't like the circumstances in which I now find myself, I am so very grateful that my God loves me enough to have given me the spiritual airbag.
Life will go on. MY life will go on. And I choose to trust God to carry me through this. I trust that He'll give me the right words to say at the right times. And I trust Him to work powerfully through me to soften my man's heart. Because my God is mighty to save.
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