I've written a lot about change. But the real theme on those "change" posts is trust. Trust in God. Fully giving Him my heart, and devoting every facet of my life to Him, even though I'm afraid of change.
Last week, and today, in fact, I find that my world has changed. No new jobs. No additions to the family. But my world is different, nonetheless. And I feel like all those compositions on change--the thoughts, the prayers, the intentions--are proof that God was priming my heart for this. And even though I don't like the circumstances in which I now find myself, I am so very grateful that my God loves me enough to have given me the spiritual airbag.
Life will go on. MY life will go on. And I choose to trust God to carry me through this. I trust that He'll give me the right words to say at the right times. And I trust Him to work powerfully through me to soften my man's heart. Because my God is mighty to save.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Well, this is it
This is what God’s been calling me to. This is the fiery path He wants me to walk.
I sat there listening last night, in what can only be described as stunned silence. My jaw wasn’t hanging open, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t shocked.
My husband told me that he doesn’t believe in God. He said that for the better part of the past eighteen months, he has felt this way. Later in the conversation, he hinted that he’s not sure he’s ever believed.
He believes that Christ lived. He loves the teachings of Jesus, because they are so practical and relevant to everyday life. It’s just that one big statement, as he called it, that he can’t quite swallow. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (When I asked why this one statement tripped him up, hubby said, “Because if you don’t believe in God, then…”)
He believes it is wrong that the church will let itself be divided over petty issues (some that aren’t even addressed in scripture) when Christ’s final prayer on earth was for unity among His believers. I feel like he has come to despise the church and the things we proclaim to stand for, because we just can’t (or won’t) get along.
He said he thinks that the Old Testament is just religious fable, and that the Jews made up the idea of God to explain the things they couldn’t understand.
I just don’t get it. I know that we’re all different, but I really don’t understand this. I’ve never doubted God. Never. Growing up on the farm, I remember gazing at the stars at night and marveling at how vast the universe must be. And as I studied biology in high school and college, and learned about the complexities of our bodies, I marveled all the more at how amazing a creator our God is. And as I go through life as a parent, I learn more and more about the nature and heart of God. I see God in almost every facet of my life. So, to hear someone say that they don’t believe in Him… I cannot fathom it. I just do not understand how a person can look at the things that I look at, and not see God. And I’m not saying this from a position of criticism or condemnation. I truly just don’t understand. And so, I don’t know how to deal with this.
Since I’ve known him, I’ve known that he had some doubts, some big questions that he really wanted answers to. I hoped that he would listen to God’s whispers. But it seems shouts of the world have won out. He’s been meeting with a friend once a week to discuss these issues, but he chose the wrong person. That guy, even though he’s a good man, is WAY out in left field, and not a good choice for “help me work through these doubts.” So, I’m not surprised that those meetings did no good.
He confessed these beliefs to me because, as he stated it, he no longer wanted to be dishonest with me. I’m his best friend, and he didn’t want to keep these secrets from me, even if it meant hurting me. Well, I’m hurt. I’m angry. Confused. And torn up on the inside.
And here is the most terrifying thing (at this point): How will my children have any chance at salvation, when the world is so loud with its support of Satan, when their father is an unbeliever, and only their mother is proclaiming the existence of God? When they come to us asking about baptism and salvation, what is he going to say to them? I live and proclaim what I believe to be true. This is the way. CHRIST is THE WAY. And will dad’s atheist presence completely undo that? I’m afraid so.
Confession: I don’t want to be a failure. In this life or the next. As long as I remember, I’ve wanted my life here to glorify God. I want my children to grow up with that same desire. My greatest wish is for their lives to be in His service. If I fail at this, where will I find myself on judgment day? I know that I won’t be a perfect parent, that God will forgive me for mistakes along the way, but to fail in leading them salvation?
I am realizing that I am wholly unequipped to handle this situation.
Ah, but there’s the crux of the issue. Well, MY issue. God isn’t calling me to handle anything. I don’t suppose He ever has. He is calling me to trust in Him. To give the situation to Him. To walk this fiery path and magnify Him and His wonderfulness throughout it, so that my husband can come to believe.
There is little else I can do.
I sat there listening last night, in what can only be described as stunned silence. My jaw wasn’t hanging open, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t shocked.
My husband told me that he doesn’t believe in God. He said that for the better part of the past eighteen months, he has felt this way. Later in the conversation, he hinted that he’s not sure he’s ever believed.
He believes that Christ lived. He loves the teachings of Jesus, because they are so practical and relevant to everyday life. It’s just that one big statement, as he called it, that he can’t quite swallow. “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (When I asked why this one statement tripped him up, hubby said, “Because if you don’t believe in God, then…”)
He believes it is wrong that the church will let itself be divided over petty issues (some that aren’t even addressed in scripture) when Christ’s final prayer on earth was for unity among His believers. I feel like he has come to despise the church and the things we proclaim to stand for, because we just can’t (or won’t) get along.
He said he thinks that the Old Testament is just religious fable, and that the Jews made up the idea of God to explain the things they couldn’t understand.
I just don’t get it. I know that we’re all different, but I really don’t understand this. I’ve never doubted God. Never. Growing up on the farm, I remember gazing at the stars at night and marveling at how vast the universe must be. And as I studied biology in high school and college, and learned about the complexities of our bodies, I marveled all the more at how amazing a creator our God is. And as I go through life as a parent, I learn more and more about the nature and heart of God. I see God in almost every facet of my life. So, to hear someone say that they don’t believe in Him… I cannot fathom it. I just do not understand how a person can look at the things that I look at, and not see God. And I’m not saying this from a position of criticism or condemnation. I truly just don’t understand. And so, I don’t know how to deal with this.
Since I’ve known him, I’ve known that he had some doubts, some big questions that he really wanted answers to. I hoped that he would listen to God’s whispers. But it seems shouts of the world have won out. He’s been meeting with a friend once a week to discuss these issues, but he chose the wrong person. That guy, even though he’s a good man, is WAY out in left field, and not a good choice for “help me work through these doubts.” So, I’m not surprised that those meetings did no good.
He confessed these beliefs to me because, as he stated it, he no longer wanted to be dishonest with me. I’m his best friend, and he didn’t want to keep these secrets from me, even if it meant hurting me. Well, I’m hurt. I’m angry. Confused. And torn up on the inside.
And here is the most terrifying thing (at this point): How will my children have any chance at salvation, when the world is so loud with its support of Satan, when their father is an unbeliever, and only their mother is proclaiming the existence of God? When they come to us asking about baptism and salvation, what is he going to say to them? I live and proclaim what I believe to be true. This is the way. CHRIST is THE WAY. And will dad’s atheist presence completely undo that? I’m afraid so.
Confession: I don’t want to be a failure. In this life or the next. As long as I remember, I’ve wanted my life here to glorify God. I want my children to grow up with that same desire. My greatest wish is for their lives to be in His service. If I fail at this, where will I find myself on judgment day? I know that I won’t be a perfect parent, that God will forgive me for mistakes along the way, but to fail in leading them salvation?
I am realizing that I am wholly unequipped to handle this situation.
Ah, but there’s the crux of the issue. Well, MY issue. God isn’t calling me to handle anything. I don’t suppose He ever has. He is calling me to trust in Him. To give the situation to Him. To walk this fiery path and magnify Him and His wonderfulness throughout it, so that my husband can come to believe.
There is little else I can do.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Change
They say life can change in an instant. We see evidence of that fact every day. Car wrecks. Earthquakes. Tornadoes. Births. Deaths. Etc.
I've been thinking a lot about change lately. Like, a lot. Fer-reals.
What is it that makes me dig in my heels at the slightest whiff of change? Is it written in my DNA? Is it my desire to control things, and change threatens that control? Is it my lack of trust in God?
I have a very good friend who is on the threshhold of a career change. He's worked a job for almost ten years that he has come to dread. I am so proud of him. He examined his situation and found a way to change it. CHANGE IT. He is embracing change. Now, this friend isn't some crazy dare-devil who's just throwing caution to the wind and crossing his fingers that this will work out alright. No. He has prayed about it. He's crunched numbers. He's considered all the pros and cons. But by changing jobs, he's headed into a certain level of unknownness. That's scary territory for me.
Change frightens me. I guess I just don't like my little boat rocked. During my first pregnancy, I was so terrified of the change that was coming, my friends and co-workers were seriously concerned for my mental well-being. This dread that I have of change apparently oozes out of my pores.
So, while I have no answers as to why I dig in my heels and resist change so stubbornly, I do believe this: God wants us to change.
Ugh, I said it. He wants us to change. He wants ME to change. And yet, I dig in my heels. I sit back and look at my friend on the verge of this life change, which will be so good for him and his family. But that's just it--I sit back and watch. I don't seek out change. I don't invite God to come in to my life and change things up a bit. Because change is scary.
So, here's what I think it all boils down to... I think I'm scared of change because I'm content in my life. My friend was very unhappy in his job. I work with someone who has been actively applying for other jobs because she's miserable in her current position. But me? I love my job. I love my family. My spouse. My friends. God has blessed me SO richly. Why would I seek to change all that?
I've been rambling on for over a month about change and how frightened I am. Well, there is one thing I want to change. I want to change my level of trust in God. I want to let Him rule in my life. I want to surrender to His will, and not be ruled by fear of the unknown.
And ya know... He'll probably send some change my way just to see how much I really mean that.
:-)
I've been thinking a lot about change lately. Like, a lot. Fer-reals.
What is it that makes me dig in my heels at the slightest whiff of change? Is it written in my DNA? Is it my desire to control things, and change threatens that control? Is it my lack of trust in God?
I have a very good friend who is on the threshhold of a career change. He's worked a job for almost ten years that he has come to dread. I am so proud of him. He examined his situation and found a way to change it. CHANGE IT. He is embracing change. Now, this friend isn't some crazy dare-devil who's just throwing caution to the wind and crossing his fingers that this will work out alright. No. He has prayed about it. He's crunched numbers. He's considered all the pros and cons. But by changing jobs, he's headed into a certain level of unknownness. That's scary territory for me.
Change frightens me. I guess I just don't like my little boat rocked. During my first pregnancy, I was so terrified of the change that was coming, my friends and co-workers were seriously concerned for my mental well-being. This dread that I have of change apparently oozes out of my pores.
So, while I have no answers as to why I dig in my heels and resist change so stubbornly, I do believe this: God wants us to change.
Ugh, I said it. He wants us to change. He wants ME to change. And yet, I dig in my heels. I sit back and look at my friend on the verge of this life change, which will be so good for him and his family. But that's just it--I sit back and watch. I don't seek out change. I don't invite God to come in to my life and change things up a bit. Because change is scary.
So, here's what I think it all boils down to... I think I'm scared of change because I'm content in my life. My friend was very unhappy in his job. I work with someone who has been actively applying for other jobs because she's miserable in her current position. But me? I love my job. I love my family. My spouse. My friends. God has blessed me SO richly. Why would I seek to change all that?
I've been rambling on for over a month about change and how frightened I am. Well, there is one thing I want to change. I want to change my level of trust in God. I want to let Him rule in my life. I want to surrender to His will, and not be ruled by fear of the unknown.
And ya know... He'll probably send some change my way just to see how much I really mean that.
:-)
Friday, June 3, 2011
Living with Guilt
I hurt someone very dear to me. It wasn't intentional. It wasn't malicious. It wasn't premeditated.
It was clumsy, and possibly ill-conceived. It probably shouldn't have been said at all. The dear one and I haven't spoken since.
So, I'm living with guilt and sadness over hurting this dear friend. And while I'm so very sorry for the hurt I've caused, for the things I said, I cannot help but wonder why guilt holds such power over me in my life.
I do or don't do things based on the level of guilt I know I will feel for doing or not doing said things. Or, if I don't do what I know I should do, then I really get rough on myself, emotionally speaking, and that only perpetuates the cycle of guilt. I believe that God has given us a conscience to serve as our guide when we don't necessarily know what is right or wrong.
I thought I was right. Now I think I was wrong. And I'm living with guilt over it all.
It was clumsy, and possibly ill-conceived. It probably shouldn't have been said at all. The dear one and I haven't spoken since.
So, I'm living with guilt and sadness over hurting this dear friend. And while I'm so very sorry for the hurt I've caused, for the things I said, I cannot help but wonder why guilt holds such power over me in my life.
I do or don't do things based on the level of guilt I know I will feel for doing or not doing said things. Or, if I don't do what I know I should do, then I really get rough on myself, emotionally speaking, and that only perpetuates the cycle of guilt. I believe that God has given us a conscience to serve as our guide when we don't necessarily know what is right or wrong.
I thought I was right. Now I think I was wrong. And I'm living with guilt over it all.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I wish...
I wish I could say that I've been content and peaceful these past weeks, waiting and waiting but hearing nothing.
I wish I could say that my blood pressure didn't spike everytime my phone rang.
I wish I could say that I didn't ride an emotional roller coaster when considering this thing that I saw coming down the pike.
I wish I could say I relied on God. Trusting His promises to bless me. To not forsake me. To give me peace.
But I relied on myself. I relied on my friends and family. I didn't really rely on God.
I've just been waiting. In fact, I'd become content to believe that the thing that I saw coming was actually all conjured up in my imagination. I settled back in with contentment and joy with my current place in life.
And now, now that there is another glimmer that this thing is indeed coming, I'm wondering...
Has this all been on hold because God was waiting for me to rely more fully on Him? Has He actually been waiting for me to be ready? Ready for Him to lead me into a new place? Lead me out of complacency? Waiting for me to just accept the invitation to dance with Him?
I can't help but wonder.
I wish I could say that my blood pressure didn't spike everytime my phone rang.
I wish I could say that I didn't ride an emotional roller coaster when considering this thing that I saw coming down the pike.
I wish I could say I relied on God. Trusting His promises to bless me. To not forsake me. To give me peace.
But I relied on myself. I relied on my friends and family. I didn't really rely on God.
I've just been waiting. In fact, I'd become content to believe that the thing that I saw coming was actually all conjured up in my imagination. I settled back in with contentment and joy with my current place in life.
And now, now that there is another glimmer that this thing is indeed coming, I'm wondering...
Has this all been on hold because God was waiting for me to rely more fully on Him? Has He actually been waiting for me to be ready? Ready for Him to lead me into a new place? Lead me out of complacency? Waiting for me to just accept the invitation to dance with Him?
I can't help but wonder.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Well, Here I Am Again
It's the middle of the night. And I'm awake. Again.
My brain just won't stop. I sense something coming down the road. And the road is short. Very short. And I'm afraid. Very afraid.
I don't like change. It ruffles my feathers and makes me uncomfortable and unsure. And I like to be comfortable. I like to be sure. I guess I'll just have to get my assurance from the One who commands it. Ha. Sounds simple.
I confess, I'm not ready for this thing that is coming down the short road. In fact, I'm digging in my heels, hoping to slow things down and make the road seem longer.
I've been part of a small Bible study group for the past few weeks. The study has really focused in on one particular issue, seemingly having nothing to do with trusting God and life change and all the stuff I'm talking about here. Last night's study, though, was a bit painful. Because the main point was challenging us to make a courageous choice. To be a courageous woman. And with all my might I cry out "BUT I'M SO AFRAID!"
Father, I am so afraid. I'm on my knees, not asking you to take this thing away, but asking you to take away my fear. I want to be a courageous woman. Courageous for you. For my family. For me. But the "what IFs" terrify me. Please, Lord, wrap me up in your marvelous arms, and whisper that it's all gonna be okay. And then, help me to believe you.
My brain just won't stop. I sense something coming down the road. And the road is short. Very short. And I'm afraid. Very afraid.
I don't like change. It ruffles my feathers and makes me uncomfortable and unsure. And I like to be comfortable. I like to be sure. I guess I'll just have to get my assurance from the One who commands it. Ha. Sounds simple.
I confess, I'm not ready for this thing that is coming down the short road. In fact, I'm digging in my heels, hoping to slow things down and make the road seem longer.
I've been part of a small Bible study group for the past few weeks. The study has really focused in on one particular issue, seemingly having nothing to do with trusting God and life change and all the stuff I'm talking about here. Last night's study, though, was a bit painful. Because the main point was challenging us to make a courageous choice. To be a courageous woman. And with all my might I cry out "BUT I'M SO AFRAID!"
Father, I am so afraid. I'm on my knees, not asking you to take this thing away, but asking you to take away my fear. I want to be a courageous woman. Courageous for you. For my family. For me. But the "what IFs" terrify me. Please, Lord, wrap me up in your marvelous arms, and whisper that it's all gonna be okay. And then, help me to believe you.
Monday, April 25, 2011
It's a Dangerous Thing
I didn't mean to do it. Well, I suppose I did. But I hadn't considered all the repercussions.
I said a prayer.
I didn't follow it up with a lot of sub-prayers, either. It wasn't a prayer that I decided to pray daily for a certain period of time. While it was heartfelt, I am certain that I wasn't fully prepared for the changes that would occur in me.
Do you think that God guides us on the paths of life? Or does He sit back and wait for us to find His road? I think God has been waiting on me--working on me--for a long time. I think He's been waiting for me to say that prayer for a very long time.
I feel Him stirring up notions in my brain, things I've not considered or been passionate about for a long time, if I ever was. He's churning the waters of my heart, showing me that He is the only thing I can successfully anchor myself to. And He's already spurned enough change that I'm getting scared. Scared at what will come next.
I like my life. It is comfortable (for the most part). I feel myself wanting to get into a little debate with God. "I can serve You just as well here." "What exactly are You trying to prepare me for?!" "Hold on, hold on! I'm not sure this is what I signed up for!" The problem is, I've invited Him in. I asked Him to do more in me. To be more in me. I asked Him to help me become wholly His.
It is a dangerous thing to offer up a meaningful prayer. He might actually think you meant it.
I said a prayer.
I didn't follow it up with a lot of sub-prayers, either. It wasn't a prayer that I decided to pray daily for a certain period of time. While it was heartfelt, I am certain that I wasn't fully prepared for the changes that would occur in me.
Do you think that God guides us on the paths of life? Or does He sit back and wait for us to find His road? I think God has been waiting on me--working on me--for a long time. I think He's been waiting for me to say that prayer for a very long time.
I feel Him stirring up notions in my brain, things I've not considered or been passionate about for a long time, if I ever was. He's churning the waters of my heart, showing me that He is the only thing I can successfully anchor myself to. And He's already spurned enough change that I'm getting scared. Scared at what will come next.
I like my life. It is comfortable (for the most part). I feel myself wanting to get into a little debate with God. "I can serve You just as well here." "What exactly are You trying to prepare me for?!" "Hold on, hold on! I'm not sure this is what I signed up for!" The problem is, I've invited Him in. I asked Him to do more in me. To be more in me. I asked Him to help me become wholly His.
It is a dangerous thing to offer up a meaningful prayer. He might actually think you meant it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)